You thought your Christmas was fucked up?

How was your Christmas Michelle? You ask?

 

I shut down this blog and just copied the content here to a free site just to archive the shit I wrote, but this is just too long for a Facebook status, and I want to share my story. Some of it is funny. Pretty much all of it is fucked up.

Christmas Eve.

I spent the day freaking out how I’m going to get things done in time for Christmas. Rafa and I are separated, so he has the girls this week. But I was blindsighted with 2 social studies fair projects and a flu during Solma’s birthday week, so I had to procrastinate the Christmassing Preparations until last minute.

I wanted to go to church really bad Christmas Eve Sunday morning, and while I was putting on my shirt, I realized you can see the arm pits. My kids lost my last razor a month ago. You could almost braid the hair by now. So I frantically search for about a half hour for a razor, and I find a cartridge of razor edges that snap into a stick that Rafa left in the bathroom nobody used. Using my finger nails, I managed to get enough grip of the little plastic thing sticking out to snap into a stick, and I gently scraped the hair off my underarms and I was no longer a hippy feminist.

I drive to church, but by now, I was 35 minutes late and only half way there. So I shopped for last second gifts instead, and then I went home to retrieve my cell phone and stuff I forgot. Then I go to my mother’s house where I was storing gifts to wrap them.

My mom and I ended up doing some last second shopping together first, and by the time I go to wrap, it was 5 or 6 PM. I hadn’t eaten all day, so when mom offers me a bowl of red cabbage meat stuff, I don’t care what it is, I want some. I’m hangry. We heat the bowl too long, so I stir and wrap a couple gifts while I wait for it to cool. My mom leaves to prepare the choir for evening service, and I wrap. Then a few minutes later, I go to eat my bowl, and it’s in the sink empty. Fuck me.

I wrap for an hour or so, starving, and then I decided to see if McDonalds or someone was open on Christmas Eve for my Christmas Eve Supper and you know what? I think I’ll just go over to church. I’ll get things wrapped. I’m sure.

I go to church. In the parking lot, I finish my cigarette. I get out of the car, and these two woman getting out of the car behind me jumped as if I startled them. So I apologize for startling them, and they start going on and on about how their car was beeping, they told him it was beeping, they are so sorry. I’m like, “It’s ok. My car beeps too all the time.” I look over, their car is like almost touching mine. If they bumped me at all, it wasn’t enough to feel.

Then the man of the family steps out and apologizes. For what, I’m still not sure. Just parking too close? Maybe they did bump me. I’m laughing, and he’s like, “I was trying to prove to them that you CAN parallel park without putting the car in drive,” and I’m like, “I totally understand, I do that too with myself, like nobody is in the car to prove to but my own brain.” Then I add…

“I thought I scared your wife and daughter, like I was finishing my cigarette, but I do that a lot and people act like i’m being creepy sitting in my car alone for no reason in a parking lot, like those are the types of looks I get. As much as everyone hates tobacco and cigarette smoking, that I’m killing the world with second hand smoke, it’s hard to admit to people it’s a cigarette, like, “Nothing to see here. I’m not sinning or anything. I swear it’s marijuana.”

They all laughed.

When church was over, I was waiting for the line of the crowd to get through so I could get into that aisle to leave. Well, the guy I talked to walking in recognized me, smiled, and motioned for me to jump in next to him. So I did. His lovely wife was right in front of me, and she was TROPHY WIFE to the max. We are talking long brown hair, healthy and shiny hair, with a tan that didn’t look fake at all, perfect make up, and nice body. She was wearing a tight knit dress in the shade of red. I started to turn my head toward the husband to say something, but my eye caught his wife’s ass. It wasn’t as big and obvious as Nicki Minaj’s butt implants, but it was an all-natural version of that shape. Not too big. Not too small. You could set a drink on it, but not two drinks. I just stared at it for a second.

1. You never see an ass like that on a white woman, especially suburbia trophy wife. They generally have a butt so flat, it’s just an extension of the back with a crack in it. So this thing is something I may never witness ever again in the history of man. I knew that.

2. I was jealous. Super jealous. I would kill for an ass like that. Sometimes I worry mine is starting to sag with age, and I’m going to lose my entire appeal. This woman was probably older than me with perky ass cheeks. I want to know her secret. Pilates?

So in that time, my head might of slanted to the right as I checked out this woman’s ass as obvious as I could.

It caught me by surprise.

Dude starts laughing. I immediately turn red. I apologized like 5 times to him.

So yeah, I just got caught checking out a woman’s ass by her husband. It’s weirder when you’re a woman. And at church. In front of Baby Jesus.

So I go back to my mom’s house. She has guests. They are munching on crackers and cheese on expensive plates sitting around the dining room but not around the table, chatting like it’s tea time.

I’m not sure how she did that so fast.

It was surreal. Like my mom might of mastered traveling through time somehow. But walking in, I couldn’t help but to notice a young buck sitting next to my mother. I have never met this man before. He was my age. And hottie McHot.

We are talking chiseled goatee, bow tie (melting in my own cream, I love a bow tie on a young man), black velvet vest and jacket (not the cheap kind), black socks with red dots, and square tipped shoes.

I know you’re thinking, “He’s gay.”

Yes. Yes he is. He started speaking, and I knew it then. He had a little flame in his slur, but then he started making sassy eyes when he spoke, and I cried.

Why God? Why? Why are all the hot ones gay?

BUT wait a minute. According to the transgender in the LGBTQ community, a person’s gender is not defined by their sex organs. So if a person’s sexuality is inclined to like men, like if I’m masculine enough, would that be enough?

It’s possible, for the first time ever, I found a man who would find the fact that I haven’t shaved my legs in 3 months to be sexy.

Then even better. I find out he bakes amazing cupcakes.

I know it’s a long shot, but I got my sights on a gay man, it’s just that I might be too masculine for him in the sense that my idea of coordinating clothes is black and blue, I do think pajama pants are normal pants sometimes, my car resembles a Bruce Willis movie in the idea of cleanliness, and I drink my vodka straight from the bottle.

And it’s possible this man isn’t ready to be a mother.

SO CHRISTMAS!!!

Well I woke up early to a white Christmas. I cleaned a bit and prepared for the girls to stop by. Rafa dropped them off about 8AM, and they opened their gifts, jumping in excitement at what they got. Despite getting half of what they normally get, not one complaint. They didn’t fight. They were completely grateful.

We take our time and lolly gag through the day in no hurry, listening to soothing Christmas songs, and they put on their new dresses, and we go to my mom’s. We lived a Norman Rockwell painting for about an hour or two while the family ate a delicious dinner, the kids opened their gifts, they played nicely together…

Then. I don’t know what happened.

I think Odin was pissed I sent him an ice sculpture of Jesus Christ turning water into wine for his Yule dinner with a card that says “Happy Holidays,” but the day was smited. I don’t know who smited it. But someone smited the day.

The gods were definitely upset about something.

Some of it I can’t even post here because all the people involved are here, but trigger warning, crazy fucking families.

I was in the car smoking a cigarette (3 cigarettes), and my daughter Gabby comes out to tell me that the shit has hit the fan inside the house. I go in, and then some family members started kicking out other family members like a bouncer in a bar. This is after a screaming rage.

I say my goodbyes. Humiliated (alongside my mother who too shared that shame) because we failed at hosting this year, I realize a lot of things about my family, huge problems I can’t solve.

I take the kids back to Rafa’s, and I tell him the story because I want to be transparent when it comes to stuff like this. But I also needed to vent. He just stood silently and with a gruff face, wished me a good night he’ll see me in the morning to pick up Annie’s blanket she forgot.

So I go to a friend’s house. We drink coffee and vent our problems to each other until about 1AM. I get home, and my front door is wide open. The cat let himself in or out or both and my house was 50 degrees inside. So I ended up sleeping in my car.

I’m serious. I slept in my car in front of my apartment.

So Christmas was awesome and it sucked. The beginning and end are so opposite that it’s a paradox of a day.

And I’ll be posting in safe mom and mental health groups for advice for the family dynamics I’m up against, so if you got a recommendation for such a place, feel free to tell me. I really need someone who knows a lot about sociopathy and personality disorders.

SHIT. I forgot to get a picture of the kids in front of a tree in clothes that don’t embarrass my future gay lover.

——————————————————————–

Gabby on the Front Door Thing: “Mom, I can’t believe you don’t care if people rob us. Like your only concern was that people saw how messy the house was?”

Yep. It’s bad enough when people rob you, but to also judge you while they are doing it? With my luck, I can see it now. People break into my house to rob me and then trip over the roller skate that is covered in walmart bag and sue me.

Witnesses Say Parents Were Watching the Kids

What do Witnesses Say?

Here’s an eye witness account floating around comments on Facebook of the mother’s so-called negligence…

“I saw the incident at the Cincinnati Zoo today. But not just me, I had seven kids ages 3-9 who also witnessed the event. The little boy’s mother was on my left side with an infant in a stroller. The boy slipped away in between multiple adults who I told to grab the little boy and he jumped straight into the gorilla pit before anyone could think. The gorilla jumped down into the pit shortly after, at this time I grabbed my 7 kids and her baby in the stroller and pinned them against the wall. At some point the gorilla came up out of the pit and was dragging the boy around in the open. We exited because our babies could see this and heard the gunshot shortly after we stepped outside the gorilla exhibit. All I’m saying is that could’ve been my 3 year old. Do not judge that mother. He just slipped away. On the way to my car with my babies, a red bird flew above us and sat on a branch in front of us. We had a protector. Thanking Jesus the boy is ok. Prayers for his distraught mother and multiple siblings and also all who witnessed the event. One of the worst things I’ve ever seen in life.”

Another witness, Deidre Lykins, says on Facebook,

My family and I decided to go to the zoo yesterday after visiting my neice at Cincinnati Childrens hospital. For those of you that have already heard, there was a terrible accident there yesterday. And since every news media has covered this story, I don’t feel bad telling our side. This was an accident! ! A terrible accident, but just that! My husband’s voice is the voice talking to the child in one of the videos. I was taking a pic of the female gorilla, when my eldest son yells, “what is he doing? ” I looked down, and to my surprise, there was a small child that had apparently, literally “flopped” over the railing, where there was then about 3 feet of ground that the child quickly crawled through! ! I assumed the woman next to me was the mother, getting ready to grab him until she says, “Whose kid is this? ” None of us actually thought he’d go over the nearly 15 foot drop, but he was crawling so fast through the bushes before myself or husband could grab him, he went over! The crowed got a little frantic and the mother was calling for her son. Actually, just prior to him going over, but she couldn’t see him crawling through the bushes! She said “He was right here! I took a pic and his hand was in my back pocket and then gone!” As she could find him nowhere, she lookes to my husband (already over the railing talking to the child) and asks, “Sir, is he wearing green shorts? ” My husband reluctantly had to tell her yes, when she then nearly had a break down! They are both wanting to go over into the 15 foot drop, when I forbade my husband to do so, and attempted to calm the mother by calling 911 and assure her help was on the way. Neither my husband or the mother would have made that jump without breaking something! I wasn’t leaving with my boys, because I didn’t trust my husband not to jump in and the gorilla did just seem to be protective of the child. It wasn’t until the gorilla became agitated because of the nosey, dramatic, helpless crowd; that the gorilla violently ran with the child! And it was very violent; although I think the gorilla was still trying to protect, we’re taking a 400 lb gorilla throwing a 40 lb toddler around! It was horrific! The zoo responded very quickly, clearing the area and attempting to save both the child and the gorilla! The right choice was made. Thank God the child survived with non-life threatening, but serious injuries! This was an open exhibit! Which means the only thing separating you from the gorillas, is a 15 ish foot drop and a moat and some bushes! ! This mother was not negligent and the zoo did an awesome job handling the situation! Especially since that had never happened before! ! Thankful for the zoo and their attempts and my thoughts and prayers goes out to this boy, his mother and his family.

Another witness, Brittany Nicely, told the Cincinnati Enquirer,

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the little boy in the bushes past the little fence area. I tried to grab for him. I started yelling at him to come back. Everybody started screaming and going crazy. It happened so fast.

The mother of the child left this Facebook status that I’ve heard she has since taken down due to the extreme level of hate mail she has received…

From Heavy.com: A woman who has a son with Gregg’s husband also posted about the incident on Facebook on Sunday, saying she got a call from them after the incident:

Animals Side with Gorilla and Bully Parents

I don’t know what’s more sad. The endangered species losing a potential breeder to keep their species alive or that compassion and empathy, 2 things that keep humans above gorillas on the food chain, is becoming endangered in the human species.

Maybe many of y’all empathize with a gorilla more than a child or a parent because you have more in common with the gorilla. I don’t know if I can write this post in hoo hoo haa haa language for hateful, primate minds to comprehend, but the truth is IF you are spreading hate toward these parents, you are a bully, and they are not bad parents; it’s your parents whose ability to parent is in question to raise such a hateful, disrespectful person.

News: Gorilla Shot Dead by Bad Parenting

In the news this week, an endangered gorilla was shot dead because a toddler crawled under several adults bending over trying to pick him up, under 3 wires (or plopped over, depending on the source), into bushes and fell into a moat where the gorilla dragged him around ferociously and swiftly.  Of course, most of the internet ONLY knows a gorilla was shot dead because a toddler fell in. That’s all they know, and from that information, they have been the judge and jury to the parents.

Logic: So how exactly is the gorilla, the threat to the boy, the reason the mom is being judged, a better babysitter out of this? That’s like saying, “Brutus is a better friend to Caesar than his wife, Calphurnia, because he was there for him at his time of death.”

 

No. You were killed because the bitch was watching you throw her child around and someone had a gun and you didn’t. We call it “survival of the fittest,” which is what you were trying to accomplish using your strength to beat a child as a means to intimidate a noisy crowd.

It’s not just haterade and verbal persecution on social media. People are going too far with this…

Over 428,000 signed a petition, “Justice for Harambe” to investigate the parents via the zoo, Child Protection Services and the Police.

This beautiful gorilla lost his life because the boy’s parents did not keep a closer watch on the child.

…We the undersigned want the parents to be held accountable for the lack of supervision and negligence that caused Harambe to lose his life. We the undersigned feel the child’s safety is paramount in this situation. We believe that this negligence may be reflective of the child’s home situation. We the undersigned actively encourage an investigation of the child’s home environment in the interests of protecting the child and his siblings from further incidents of parental negligence that may result in serious bodily harm or even death.Please sign this petition to encourage the Cincinnati Zoo, Hamilton County Child Protection Services, and Cincinnati Police Department hold the parents responsible.

Several other petitions were signed, and the police are now investigating the matter.

Many have come to the rescue in blog posts and social media claiming we should not judge the parents. This can happen to anyone. Many moms have confessed to moments in their history of losing a child to support the mother in question.

But it’s more than judgment.

People have exploited a tragedy to hurt people who were already wounded.

That’s more savage than the gorilla. Newsflash, it does not make you appear stronger but only shows how weak you truly are.

Hurting people is not protecting anyone. It isn’t any kind of parenting. You are not helping that boy by judging his parents. You are no different than that gorilla. He abused his power to hurt that boy just like you are abusing yours to hurt his parents.

Take a second to look at this from the parents’ angle. This is what we call EMPATHY.

EM — PAH — THEE

You want to give your kids a fun day at the zoo. You tirelessly pack up, load up, and head out. You wander the zoo for a few hours. You’re hot. You’re tired. You’re ready to go home. You tell the kids, “It’s time to go home!” The infant in your stroller starts crying. You bend down to deal with the crying kid, and you look over a second later, your toddler is missing in a pile of adults and children. You start calling for your kid. People are saying there is a kid in the bushes, and you scream, “Is he wearing green shorts?” and they are like, “Yes.”

You panic. Your kid is now in a gorilla pit. You want to go in after him, and people hold you back, “That will only enrage the gorilla more.” You feverishly watch a gorilla drag your kid around like a tree branch, smashed against the ground by one of the strongest species on the earth, and all you can do is helplessly call out to your kid to stay calm.

Savior time. Gorilla is shot. You rush your kid to the hospital, and you’re grateful your kid only has some bruises and a concussion. Whoever thought you’d be grateful for a concussion?

You go home. You get on the computer, and you have 500 messages and friend requests telling you how much you suck. Some are death threats. You surf the net to discover everyone has crucified your parenting. People claiming your child (or you) should have been shot instead of the gorilla are also questioning your parenting in the “child’s best interest.” You are a day care provider, and everyone is questioning your ability to do the only thing you’ve been doing with your life: your ability to care for children. You know you did your best, but the hateful comments… You are now infamous. How will this affect you now? This isn’t going to go away. It’s NOT over.

The police then decide to investigate you where the slightest mishap could lead to losing custody of your children or jail time. You think about all the news stories where parents lost their kids to things like playing in the playground unsupervised or not sitting in the car seat correctly. You think of all the news stories where police have wrongfully accused or shot a person for being black.

Life feels over. It has definitely changed forever.

Witnesses Say Parents Were Watching the Kid

This is Irrational

People say the gorilla was protecting the child or doing a better job at parenting than the child’s mother. He gave the child a concussion. Are you seriously that incompetent?

Every witness has testified to the media and social media that it happened too fast, yet people who weren’t there still argue that the mother is negligent for not paying attention to her kid for the long length of time it must have taken the kid to get through.

People are telling the zoo how they should have handled it, even though the zoo has had training and experience with said animal and the “social media gorilla experts” can’t tell you if the gorilla is a monkey or an ape with certainty.

Then of course, there’s the “gorilla is more important than the child” comments.

Dear Peta Fanatics who agree, go live with the gorillas since you like them better. 🙂

Judging Parents Is Bullying

The problem isn’t the parents at the zoo. The problem is the new trend to tell people how to parent kids, so far as to wish removal of children from homes, for circumstances people know very little about. Nobody screaming “neglect” knows this mom, her kids, or what exactly happened at the zoo, but their hateful opinions have led to unnecessary stress to this family for what reason? Ego. That’s sadder than a dead gorilla taking precedence over dead soldiers on Memorial Day weekend.

C’mon now. This behavior is not that different from gorillas’. We did come from apes, but have we truly evolved?

Bullying is ingrained into our primordial instinct. Like wolves, we prey in packs on the weak and injured. Parents are vulnerable. We worry about our children, so they use fear tactics. This is why both sides of the great vaccination debate will tell you whether you vaccinate or not, you are hurting your kid. With kids, we are distracted. We have to multi-task what we are doing with what EACH child is doing at all times. We are tired. We are often cranky, but we are trying to be tolerant and patient for sake of our kids. Between the fatigue and multi-tasking, we are often not as mentally alert as people without children. With kids, we wear our greatest soft spot out in the open for anyone to strike a blow at. They know this. That’s why hateful people target us with judgment.

It’s not us parents. We are always going to be right and wrong. We all have our award-winning moments and parenting fails. We are all imperfect just like everyone else.

It’s them. Some people will always be hateful, bitter people who find comfort in everyone else’s mistakes. They will always exploit something like it’s wrong, whether it’s weight, race, age, religion… The hate is a result of a weakness in them; and therefore, they will always aim for weak spots.

It’s the same in the natural kingdom. Predators love to go after unsupervised cubs or mothers with cubs as opposed to the father roaming about free. Why? Because they are easier targets.

The pain also matches the weakness, and the bullying is geared to keep the power out of balance for more bullying. Fat shaming is aimed to reduce an already low self-esteem, something that can lead to overeating and lower metabolisms, which keeps people fat to shame. Racism is aimed at exploiting stereotypes to lead to discrimination to keep us divided by race so that they can shame a race. Parenting Judgment aims to remove the very thing you love most from your life, and it uses that fear against you so that you will make mistakes so they can continue to judge you. This is why bogus calls to child protection services are made more often than legitimate calls.

Many People bully because they had a bad upbringing.

No wonder adult bullies are obsessed with bullying other parents. It’s like we are their punching bag for all their issues with their parents.

But the truth is many bullies are acting out from their own bad experiences at home. Other reasons people bully include to fit in with bullies (a person of perceived power), because they learned from other bullies and have no idea their behavior is bullying, and because they are projecting their insecurities on others to make themselves feel more powerful (low self-esteems).

Parenting is Not Black and White

In this story, many people have claimed the boy’s mother should have held his hand the entire time, or watched him closer.

That would be helicopter parenting, a neurotic trend in parenting where parents pay extremely close attention to their kids and their problems, and it’s shamed in parent world because it compromises a child’s autonomy, mastery and personal growth. It also breeds narcissism, poor coping skills, and amplifies anxiety and stress. According to Parenting, “They found that children whose folks hovered and fretted were far less apt to engage in spontaneous play and missed out on some much-needed exercise.”

But of course, in this case, helicopter parenting is pushed because it’s convenient to the bullying. Despite the scholarly studies on the negative effects of helicopter parenting, laws, CPS Policies, and School policies enforce more and more helicopter parenting techniques every day on parents at their convenience for judgment. Accidents have happened as a result of helicopter methods, such as in 2013, a 12 year old boy in Canada died because his asthma inhaler was locked up in the principal’s office because we can’t trust a kid to carry his own inhaler.

Fact is there is no ONE way to parent. Every kid is different. Every situation is different. Good Parenting is the ability to balance different methods and styles in line with your personal abilities and preferences, your child’s abilities and preferences, for the given situation. No one can legitimately read a story and tell someone how to do it better. Not possible. If you know anything about parenting, you already know that. If you didn’t know that, you don’t know anything about parenting.

Stop the Bullying

The only way we are going to defeat the bullies is to change the balance of power. We parents need to ban together to form our own wolf pack and stop the judgment. Stop the mommy wars. Stop the bogus calls to CPS that result from the judgment. Keep writing blogs and social media statuses that support parents. Help out fellow parents. It takes a village to raise children, and we need that village to support each other as parents and to correct the mistakes of parents before us with these adult bullies they raised. We are parents. Unite and show the world how to act right.

WHO IS TO BLAME?

I asked MY kids what they thought. Who is to blame in this case? The mom or the zoo? Or was it just an accident?

All 3 of my kids decided it was the kid’s fault for not listening to his mom, an option nobody on the internet has considered.

January Monthly

In the name of the attention-whorism my blog implies, I think I’m going to try a monthly wrap up… again. We’ll see if I remember to do this next month, but it’s part of my system to monitor results of my goal making happenings. Like if all my other blogs and projects are instruments, this blog is the conductor.

So why you should you read it? Because this is more important than Bill Clinton’s Dick, that’s for damn sure, and I distinctly remember a time when we were all obsessed over that thing and who was sucking it.

Things I did for a Klondike Bar

1. I started a new blog: Women of ill Repute
2. I did a series on making a Business Plan on The Write Moms. Well most of it. The rest will be out soon.
3. Lisa Nolan and I chatted about our goals, so expect some great books coming from our combined efforts!
4. I got a new camera
5. I cheated on my husband with GoDaddy. Well, I talked to GoDaddy more than my husband this month.

Things that make you go Hmmm, what the fuck is she smoking?

 

So if we worship God, then who does God worship? He probably doesn’t believe in a higher power – oh my Gawwwd! God’s an atheist!

— Michelle (@DribblesnGrits) January 30, 2016

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Things I Realized

I totally am biting off more than I can chew, and I’m talking with my mouth open while smacking lips obnoxiously. I really meant that metaphorically, but I seem to literally do that when I’m eating a lot, except hot wings. We don’t speak while I eat hot wings. The first rule of hot wings is don’t talk to me when I’m eating hot wings. And I don’t smack my lips with hot wings. I slurp.

The devil is most likely really hot. I meant sexy, but he’s probably the other hot too. That’s fucked up to say. AND I wonder if he even likes Devils Food or Deviled Eggs…

I’m not an easy person to argue with, and I still feel bad for murdering that one guy’s ego.

I’m condescending and confusing, and I need to stop that shit because I’m also a writer-ish.

 

 

 

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Things about Michelle Grewe (that whore):

I’m a freelance writer and graphic artist, and I’m starting to try on the publishing gig for a while.

Get The Underachiever’s Guide to Perfect Holidays

An Ebook on easy peasy recipes and crafts, so easy, you can do them drunk (or with children, kind of the same thing).

I cuss. Sometimes like a drunken sailor, and sometimes like the good Baptist I am.

Crumpets and Bollocks is my personal blog of randomness. The Write Moms is where I blog about blogging and put art into public domain. Women of ILL Repute is coming soon, and will focus on helping those who identify as women to become more comfortable in their sexuality in a healthy manner. The Blog Bomb Awards is something I do annually for fun.

You can find all my professional “qualifications” on michellegrewe.com 

I’m also kind of psychic, and as a Christian, I hate it. I flip flop between focusing on it and not, like one minute, I think, “Find opportunity in adversity and write about it,” and the next minute, I think, “Nobody wants to read that crap.” I’m working on a memoir that will cover it at some point, but until then, I often capture spirit voices and will post them on Youtube.

Oh yeah, don’t freak about the Christian thing. I still science. I am all about religious tolerance (devil worshipers are welcome here, both Satanists and Luciferianists). In fact, if you want to give me your soul, I’d consider it, but I don’t know, long-term commitments aren’t really my thing. But I don’t really care who you pray to as long as you’re a decent person and don’t sacrifice virgins (dancing naked under the solstice moon is totally fine). I also like Darwin, which is Satan spelled backwards. I believe in evolution, like I also believe the souls evolve in heaven and hell, so put that in your pockets…

I don’t send emails often, but I’m trying to work on that. I don’t want to bother people, but I don’t want to be forgotten. It’s not that I’m an attention whore (though I have tried that on and can wear it for a few days at a time), it’s just that I kind of want to make the internet writing thing work, and I can’t do that unless you know what’s going on.

Sometimes I’m an idiot, but I have a high IQ, so it balances out. I’m still an idiot, a lot.

I’m very confusing too. It’s really hard to peruse anything I write. You almost have to read it word for word. Sometimes I try to make it perusable, but it’s not easy when your brain is as unorganized as mine.

If you signed up, thank you. I look forward to emailing you random things.

If you didn’t, I don’t know why you wouldn’t by now, like Christian who tolerates Satan is terrifyingly refreshing, and I’m so sure I won you over with, “not easy to peruse,” but these are just my finer qualities. I have some horrible ones too.

 

Breast Feeding in Public. Yay or Nay?

I normally try to avoid topics in the mom wars realm because I honestly think the petty mom wars that ensue from such controversy diminishes the credibility of women trying to be equal in a man’s world, but I have a unique perspective on this one, and I hope it will inspire others to be just as uniquely awesome as me.

The problem with breast feeding in public is that our saline noobs are bonerizers. They’re sexy. And the sexiness somehow pisses people off.

Of course, as a mom, there’s nothing sexy about teeth grinding down into our sensitive, swollen Lanolin Laced udders. To us, it’s “Shut The Baby Up Juice.”

But to the men, that Lanolin is like the KY glimmer on a set of Congo Bongos. Like this…

And because men can’t think with the bigger head they were given and instead use the smaller stubby head, the breast has become a “private part.”

Facts about breasts according to mainstream logic (warning, sarcasm coming. If you start arguing with me like I believe this shit, you are a complete moron):

♦ The cleavage is not a private part. Only the female nipple is the private part.

♦ Breast fat is sexy. Belly fat is not. See, the fat in the boob is totally different than belly fat due to its geographic location, like boob fat is like luxury high rise fat and belly fat is like the ghetto of the body. Proof that fat is not always fat.

♦ It is perfectly acceptable to show a country being bombed with innocent people dying on television to report the news. That has less graphic content than a nipple. Studies have not shown that nipples cause violence and are the gateway to immoral sex, which is simply why the FCC won’t allow them.

♦ Man nipples are perfectly acceptable to show. Only the woman’s nipple is evil devil vagina magic that must remain private. Women’s nipples are evil because Eve used her nipple to tempt Adam into eating the forbidden fruit. Man nipples are not evil because man nipples don’t produce milk, and they really just aren’t sexy, like if a woman was turned on by a man’s nipple, we’d probably medicate her for that. Because man nipples are as useless as the man’s logic, we proudly display it like we do all our ignorance and drama. It’s the American Way.

♦ If your man sees a breast from a woman breastfeeding her baby, he is cheating on you in his head. It’s no different than him fantasizing about beaver bashing celebrities like Jessica Biel, which if they love you, they would NEVER do. No. If a man loves you, and it’s a legitimate love, the male body has ways to shut that whole fantasizing about other women thing down, unless they see a boob.

♦ Covering a nipple with a baby’s mouth is totally different than covering it with a shirt. It’s not good enough because the baby will be removed as a shirt won’t.

♦ Showing cleavage in a Budweiser commercial is a requirement to get men to buy beer. They would never buy it without that cleavage. Why would they? That’s why showing cleavage with a baby’s mouth covering a nipple is an abomination greater than gay marriage. The woman isn’t selling her breast milk, so why show it?

♦ If you don’t believe all this about the breast, you’re a whore. Duh. The dictionary even defines whore as “Noun: Someone who thinks nipples are just nipples.”

The following blogger dared to explain to us why we should cover up when we breastfeed in public…

and to quote the brass balls on this woman…

The truth is, I don’t want to see your naked boobs. I don’t want my husband to, and come to think of it, my preschool son either.

That doesn’t mean I’m sexualizing breast feeding. It means that a naked boob, to most people in our culture, is a sexual thing. (Sorry. It’s true. Whether there’s a kid attached to it or not.) And, at least in my opinion, no amount of kids eating on a naked boob is going to change the fact that the breast is still considered a ‘naked part’ in our society.

Yes, your breasts are beautiful. Yes, they are feeding children. Yes, they are natural.

But you know what?

Your vagina helped make the kid, and I don’t see you flashin’ that around.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m ignorant. Maybe you’re just trying to prove a point, and I just don’t get it. We all do motherhood our own way, and I love that. I really do think it’s a beautiful thing that all moms are different.

So, for what it’s worth, this is just my own truth: Unless you’re my sister, my mom or my friend, I would really appreciate not seeing your naked parts. I’m sorry.

When I saw that blog post titled, “Dear breastfeeding moms, Is it really that hard to cover up?” I kind of thought, “I don’t want to read this. It will just piss me off.”

But it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. The writer did kind of hit it softly, in my mind at least. She carefully tried to empathize and agree with people, even though she disagrees on a major part of the debate.

Now when she says,

Your vagina helped make the kid, and I don’t see you flashin’ that around.

I personally don’t care if you flash your boob, your twat, or your man’s penis around for any reason. I can desexualize private parts.

I can watch a porn video and we assume everyone is all like Ooooh look at how big that is, and how she… and then SPLAT panty cream. And I’m like, “OMG, that guy could use some cream on his bum, like age defying cream that reduces stretch marks. I wonder if Avon sells something for that. They really should have used better lighting for this. I wonder if the producer woke up and was like, ‘Let’s try one with that position, and we will use this font for it…'”

I don’t get turned on by sexual parts. I honestly think the penis, vagina, assholes, and breasts are quite disgusting. As a child, I assumed they were private parts because it would give kids nightmares. I mean, only in our world does the things that produce some form of mucous or fluid become sex objects. I’m amazed picking our nose isn’t considered foreplay if rubbing a swollen asshole is.

But I get that people are classically conditioned to believe in the facts as mainstream sees them because that’s how it’s always been done.

Studies are starting to show that most people’s opinions on things are based less on logic and real facts and more on a personal identity and social precepts. As time continues, I swear most people’s opinions they share on social media aren’t legitimate opinions as much as their way of placing themselves in a certain social status.

But I don’t live in that kind of box. My mind is wired to think for itself, and my personal opinion is (which is the most practical of all I’ve seen)…

Breast feeding sucks.

They pimp it out like it’s the greatest thing for the baby, and it probably is, but like everything else that’s the greatest thing for our kids, it sucks to be us, the parent. Car seats are a prime example.

I personally think ease of parenting, especially breastfeeding, especially breast feeding an infant while toddlers run amok, I just think ease of motherhood should trump people’s offensiveness. It’s ok they get offended, but they need to get over it.

I say this as the person who did cover her boob breastfeeding, but when I buckle my kids in the car as my hipster pants are sliding off my hips like they are designed to do, and my plumber’s crack is mooning the world, I let it moon.

Breast feeding is only a subtopic to the great topic of ease of motherhood. Motherhood is a tough gig. It will turn the hair on your head gray and put hair on your chest at the same time. Many mothers end up in a psych ward because they reproduced too often too fast for their sanity. Why are we so stuck on making motherhood more difficult than it already is? That’s the worst thing we can do for our children.

To throw it out there… According to Google’s Keyword Planner, the words, “Adult Breastfeeding” gets on average 33,100 searches every month.

Dear Intolerant Christian Homophobes and Your High Horse, Dear High Horse too

I hear a lot of you guys complaining about the new Supreme Court Rulings about equal rights in the realm of marriage.

I honestly think your issue is fear.

In my Dr. Freud Voice – you are af-draid of your own sexu-ahh-lity and eem-moral dee-sires.

I know God is real. He’s not just a belief, and I believe all of our spirits are aware of it, but there seems to be two types of spirits out there. Those who embrace God for Who He really is and what He really intended, and usually those are the ones who don’t practice Christianity regularly (outside of black people; I don’t know. Their churches focus on the right things). Then there’s those who fear displeasing God by trying to follow rules, and they are usually your devout Christians because that’s one thing religion focuses on.

It’s important to point out to those Christians, you who this is written to, God intended us NOT to know good and evil so that we just are. Remember Adam and Eve? They didn’t know good from evil until the fruit. Why? Because God didn’t want them to know good from evil. The ignorance protected them. 

But they discovered good and evil for human kind. And the OT was about following a bunch of rules. And our ignorance is now what hurts us because we don’t know all the rules.

Those rules are important for the spirit. If you follow them perfectly, knowing all of them better than any attorney, without doubt, then you will be fine. You can go to God’s Kingdom. Happy Trails.

“For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.” James 2:10

But if you can’t follow them all, perfectly, then you can’t go to heaven. Happy Trials and Suffering. But that’s Old Testament news. 

Dear Christians, have you ever heard of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ came to earth and sprinkled all the humans with grace sparkles. Now, we don’t have to follow those rules anymore. We should try, but we don’t have to, and we are not to judge who is trying good enough. 

The New Testament says, “Forget the old testament. Just follow the 10 commandments and love each other and listen to your parents.” Something like that anyway. Don’t quote that. But many verses show that Jesus “fulfilled” the Old Testament to make the New. 

The rules you see in the OT were really impossible for humans to follow, especially with the amount of influence the negative worlds have on ours. God asked us to love at this point, and that’s all we are called to do, love. He did that to keep this world livable.

Some of those rules, the more we follow them, the healthier our souls are, but if we screw up, it’s ok. God heals the soul. It’s not about being good enough for salvation. It’s about God just wanting what’s best for you. If you follow Jesus, He will protect you from the burden of your sins, and we ALL sin very much so in our own ways.

A pastor’s sins are just as offensive as the addict in the front row. They both need redemption found at the foot of the cross.

But the rules and trying to follow them, especially to the level the churches enforce, feed the fear of not being good enough, and the demons are trying to remind you that for control. We all know an insecure person is easy to control–demons like to remind you of your sins to make you feel inadequate.

In turn, this fear of inadequacy creates a fear of one’s own sexuality. Instead of embracing your natural, instinctive urges, you try to cock block it internally, and that struggle is real, and it comes out in our culture, and in arguments where people want to tell people how to live.

When you say, “Don’t rub your homosexuality in my face,” what you really mean is, “Quit tempting me.” NO. I’m playing. What you really mean is, “I wish I were that free, but I have caged myself in the name of what I think is best for me and you, and I wish you would too.” 

But a domestic animal is in no position to judge the wild.

But your cage is not a sanctuary.

But you are afraid.

But Jesus was a humanitarian, and to truly follow Christ, we Christians would be more in line with His Ways of loving everyone, forgiving everyone, and helping everyone.

In His eyes, we are all children. If you have children, they really can’t do any wrong, but you still try to guide them to better days and a little character. If instead of looking at a homosexual as someone flaunting their desires in your face, if you removed the sexual crap and peeled away all the layers, you’ll see a child, like he is YOUR child. An innocent little child who just is following his cotton picking heart.

And I swear some of these churches and Christians are a hate organization fronting as an act of Love. They are evil fronting as good. They are works of the devil fronting as God’s work.

Hate is of the devil. That’s a no brainer. Every idiot knows this. Just about EVERY religion out there will tell you hate comes from hell and darkness. Hate is bad.

So when you see Christians hating, when you see yourself hating, that’s not God. That’s the devil using God’s people as an instrument. Don’t be the devil’s instrument anymore. Go on strike. Dare to love again.

But I still read crap all the time about Christian hate. Today. From my Facebook newsfeed today. Tomorrow will be a group of different stories…

A group of Christians operating out of churches for political endeavors are trying to stop an anti-discrimination law, even though the law exempted religious organizations. And now they are whining that they are the victims of harassment. Yeah. This isn’t Westboro, though looks like it doesn’t it?

Kid gets punished by a teacher for being an atheist, and of course the school isn’t doing shit about it. The parents are suing because that’s the only defense they have. Now what part about this story speaks of Christ’s love? Jesus would sit next to that kid at lunch.

And if you didn’t know, according to the great Yoda, Fear leads to hate. Scaring people into doing shitty things to people is not God’s work.

I read crap all the time about Christians spreading fear to control others. I read Facebook comments afraid the homosexuals are going to take over the world. That mouthy bearded guy who preaches from his car believes we are in a Christian Holocaust now. Not to mention, “now that this law has passed letting gays marry, it’s only a matter of time before they stop religious rights.”

Please stop scaring people.

There’s no Christian reason for this shit either because most churches, as I’ve had the Catholic church and a Baptist say this to me, will tell you that people I love fall under my grace.

Yes. You heard it. If you love someone, they are allowed to screw up. They are under your grace.

They are allowed to be atheist to fall under your grace.

They are allowed to be homosexuals to fall under your grace.

They are allowed to be things you don’t care so much about like rapists and murderers to fall under your grace.

And they are allowed to be an asshole Christian to fall under your grace.

But the point is, there is a battle between good and evil. God isn’t exactly on earth tricking people for their soul like the devil is, but there is a battle for our souls going on spiritually, every day. And you are taking from God’s numbers when you tell people they can’t sit with you on Sunday because their belief disagrees with yours.

You are taking away from God’s numbers when you post Facebook statuses and links to articles that make people feel less than a person for being who they are.

You are taking away from God’s numbers when you are not walking with Christ while telling everyone you are.

God doesn’t really care about the numbers. He cares about us. Jesus wants to bring in the stray, and the lost, and the unwanted. He wants to end their pain. These people are never going to know His gentle touch if you keep kicking them out of His church, whether literally or figuratively.

That’s where you piss me off with this shit. That’s why every time I see a Christian spew hatred, I come in there with some form of support for the wicked. I go in armed with the truth, loaded with love, and sometimes cocked with snark.

If you want to continue being a judgmental ass, that’s on you, but I’m here to tell you, that’s NOT GOD’S WORK.

If you want to do God’s work, then love. Love people as God loves them.

If it’s not a sin in their heart, then let that be God’s.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Welcome to another installment of Finish the Sentence Friday, the show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. Check out the link at the bottom for more blogs writing about this, if not just to see where I get my bad influence from.

This week’s prompt is I wonder….

I wonder like a bad habit to a fault. I can’t stop wondering things. It’s really bad too because of my brain. I am both left and right brained, meaning I have a serious, analytic side to an extreme beyond normal, and I have a randomly creative imaginative side to an extreme beyond normal. Imagine if Einstein and Ellen Degeneres had a kid, but it was sexy.

It also makes me google a lot so that I can collect a lot of useless information in my brain, and then not only does all that useless information cloud my ability to find USEFUL information, but it also makes me appear like a know-it-all when that rare opportunity occurs for me to “inform” people of the useless knowledge I accumulated in the last 35 years in some desperately vain attempt to make it useful.

It’s also annoying. I once wondered what virus caused the stomach flu and how long it lasts on hard surfaces in order to properly disinfect my house because we kept getting the same stomach flu over and over and over again, so of course I googled it unlike most of the world who is busy Googling things like, “What is dubstep?” and “How to take a screenshot.” Yeah, so when I’m at the kids’ school, and the secretary is like, “We’ve had a lot of kids miss due to that stomach flu,” I’m like, “I’m pretty sure it’s norovirus going around, and did you know that hand sanitizer won’t kill it? You have to wash your hands in really warm water rigorously for 20 seconds. Lysol won’t kill it either. You have to get something that specifically kills it or use bleach. Well, disinfects; it can’t actually die because it’s not alive. Did you know it can last up to 6 months on hard surfaces? And indefinitely frozen or in standing water? And you only build a partial immunity to it meaning you can catch it again and again right after having it….” The secretary is looking at me like, “Bitch, if I wanted a damned essay, I would have assigned it.” I’m looking at her like, “Bitch, if you’d listen up, less kids would be catching this shit.”

 

I just say annoying shit all the time now like, “According to the CDC…” and “Empirical evidence suggests…” and making quotation marks with my fingers as I spit out the word, “Experts.”

But I don’t look up everything just because I like mystery and some things just don’t have an answer, usually my more inventive questions… These are things I’m still wondering on a regular basis…

P.S. I know some of these are really boring, but A, they are things I do wonder about. and B. please stop finding this shit boring because we are trying to improve general intelligence. And if you do find it interesting because you think about this shit too, add me as a friend on Facebook because I’m getting Faust level bored of talking to myself about this shit.

1. How does God wash his balls? Is He loud and proud? Like standing in a Captain Morgan pose? Or does He do it delicately because they are prized possessions? Or because it’s a sinful spot, is He more apt to wash them subtly? I mean He has to have balls in order to impregnate Mary right? and why? Because I feel embarrassed washing my meat drapes, especially when showering with the husband. I just started thinking, “Did God really intend me to be this insecure with my lady bits?”

2. What would this world be like if women were the dominant gender like spiders? I mean how much of the stereotypes of women do we live because they aren’t gender determined but learned behaviors from our cultural environment in which we were raised? Like the need for drama? (I’m so over that girly shit right there, save your fucking drama for TNT. Life does not have to be a soap opera where you are the villain). And would we be more brutal than men because it’s that way in other species?

3. What would the world be like if we did math in a 12 base system? Then it would be like clocks. Or a base system where… See I was thinking, if 1/3 is .33333 to infinity, and 2/3 is .99999 to infinity, is 3/3 equal to 1 or .99999 to infinity? But if we operated in a 6 base system, the decimal for 1/3 would be .2, and 2/3 would be .4 which would make 3/3 add up to an even 1.

4. If 99.999999 to infinity percent of an atom is space, then does that mean everything we sense is in the .000000 to infinity 1 percent? So do we even exist? Like how real is this world?

5. What does 4 dimensions look like? Can there be an infinite dimensional space? What about the square root of 2? Wouldn’t that be crazy if instead of 3D, we lived in the square root of 2 dimensions? I wonder what pi would look like in a pi dimension?

a 4 dimensional cube

 

Another 4 dimensional cube

 

6. Why do males have nipples? Even male dogs have nipples. I bet it’s because everything was made in the image of a woman.

7. If I had sex with a clone of myself, would that be incest or masturbation?

8. What was Chewbacca saying? Like couldn’t they at least give us subtitles?

9. I wonder what this world would be like if Christians actually followed Christ on that whole “Love” and “Don’t Judge” thing.

10. I wonder if neutrinos appear to travel at the speed of light because they don’t adhere to gravitational fields so they get to make a short cut therefore travelling a shorter distance than photons when making that comparison.

One time I wondered how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop, and I counted my licks. I got to 37 before I couldn’t resist sticking the whole thing in my mouth, which is where I found the answer. Who licks a lollipop? We are supposed to suck those things down. You can’t taste it by licking. So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The same amount of licks it takes to get a man to cum. None. You don’t lick a lollipop.

A group of engineering students from Purdue University reported that its licking machine, modeled after a human tongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

When it comes to wondering, I urge you all to be Schrodinger’s cat, not because curiosity killed it. No. Curiosity is the foundation of learning. For those unfamiliar, Schrodinger’s Cat was a thought experiment (the cat didn’t actually exist), to explain quantum mechanics. Basically, when you don’t know the outcome of something, you just assume all the possibilities are happening at the same time and not happening at the same time until shown otherwise. Schrodinger tried to visualize this concept of thinking by sticking an imaginary cat in a box where the cat can tap something and release a poison killing it. Is the cat dead or alive? Well according to Schrodinger, until you open the box to find out, the cat is both dead and alive. No animals were harmed during this thought experiment.

So when I say be Schrodinger’s Cat, I mean I urge you to please stop wondering and never stop wondering. Stop wondering things you can find the answer to because you found the answer, like when I wondered how long norovirus lasts on hard surfaces. Never stop wondering about things in general. It keeps your mind open enough to not assume things.

Now if you are wondering if I’m on drugs? Caffeine.

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